


Closer To Fine

by leahkeehl13



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Coming Out, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Religious Guilt, The gang in high school
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-17
Updated: 2019-02-16
Packaged: 2019-03-05 21:24:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13396518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leahkeehl13/pseuds/leahkeehl13
Summary: A collection of unrelated Mac/Dennis short stories, exploring themes around internalized homophobia, being closeted, and coming out.  A mix of happy and sad.





	1. Baseball

**Author's Note:**

> This story kind of writes itself... A fair amount of it stems from personal experience, so if some moments seem out of character, that’s probably true. I have no idea how many chapters this will be - I write them as they come to me. 
> 
> I also changed the title, it's now named after the Indigo Girls song.
> 
> Thank you for reading!

The first time Mac suspected he might be different from other boys was in high school.  

All of them, Mac, Dennis, Charlie, and Schmitty, were hanging out by the dumpster behind the school, sharing a pack of cigarettes Mac had stolen from his mom.  Mac didn’t care for smoking, but Dennis loved the way it made him look.

It was hotter than usual that Spring and the air felt heavy.  Dennis was bragging about getting laid.  Dennis was  _ always _ bragging about getting laid.  

Mac drifted in and out of the conversation. It was too humid to pay attention and Dennis’s stories about girls tended to run together.  Sometimes when Dennis would talk for too long, Mac would get so caught up just watching him talk, that he would forget to listen.  He loved to watch the way his lips moved and the way his eyes danced, widening and narrowing expressively as he talked.

“...So now, I think about baseball players to  _ help me out _ , if you know what I mean,” Dennis ends triumphantly.

Schmitty laughs loudly and it jolts Mac out of his daydream.

“Hey, I do that too, bro!” Mac adds so Dennis will know he was listening.  _ He knew thinking about guys while making out with girls wasn’t weird. _

“Um, you don’t have a girlfriend, dude.”

“What?”

Dennis laughed sharply, “We’re talking about thinking about guys to keep from blowing our loads too quickly. What the fuck are you talking about?”

Mac scrambled. “Nothing dude, I must have heard you wrong I think.”

Dennis raised one eyebrow and gave Mac a look that lasted so long that finally, Mac had to look away, shuffling his feet and muttering something about detention in the library.  

Mac still didn’t fully understand the look Dennis gave him, but he did know that if he had the looks and confidence of Dennis, he probably wouldn’t need to think about sexy baseball players to get off either.


	2. A golden god’s thoughts on god

_When Dennis was ten years old he was jealous of religion._

Frank and his mother never took the family to church, Catholic or otherwise.  Frank always said that religion was for suckers and Barbara had a standing hair and nail appointment on Sunday mornings.  Dennis had friends that went to church, however, and the way they would describe it Monday mornings at school made it sound like a cool and exclusive club that you couldn’t join without a secret password.  Words and phrases that were unfamiliar to Dennis would roll off the tips of their tongues like glass beads.  Shiny and elusive.

Sometimes they would tease him, saying he was going to hell and although he would shout back at them that he wasn’t a “sucker like the rest of them,” and he would never say this to anyone, he secretly worried about it some nights.   _What if he really would go to hell?_

* * *

 

_When Dennis was seventeen years old he was annoyed by religion._

Being sort-of-friends with Mac was cool most of the time; he often had weed and his cousin could buy them beer, but sometimes he would get so goddamn smug about all the God shit.  How if Dennis didn’t confess or confirm or communion or whatever (and why did all the goddamn words start with ‘C”?) that he was going to hell.  The worst part was that Dennis truly believed Mac wasn’t saying those things to be mean.  When he talked about it he would get really serious and say that he was trying to “save” Dennis’s soul.  

And Dennis wasn’t the only one who Mac knew to be headed for hell, oh no… All the _homos_ and _queers_ and _fags_ would be there to join him too.  Dennis never understood why that always made his stomach clench uncomfortably, but it did.

Mac always looked different in those moments too.  His eyes mean and his hands clenched into fists.  Almost like he was saying the words to keep from saying something else.

* * *

 

_When Dennis was twenty years old he laughed at religion._

He was in college, and the idea of the gays being sent to hell no longer made him uneasy.  No, he was far too mature for that now.  He, unlike the rest of the brainwashed idiots in the country, understood religion for the scam it was.  No one was going to hell and no one was going to heaven either.  Certainly not for being fucking gay.  He still sees Mac sometimes, when he visits Philadelphia, and now he almost pities him.  He sees past the anger that Mac projects when he talks about the queers burning in fiery torment, to the desperate and almost fearful look in his eyes.  Once upon a time, Dennis might have tried to talk to him about this, but now he just laughs and tells Mac not to be a fucking idiot.

Hell isn’t real, it’s just other people.  And for Mac, hell is himself.  Dennis doesn’t know how long it will take Mac to realize what is really making him so angry, but he certainly doesn’t plan on being friends with him long enough to find out.

* * *

 

 _Now Dennis is thirty-seven_ _and he’s not jealous or annoyed and he certainly doesn’t find it funny anymore.  No, now he’s fucking furious._

Mac is thirty-seven years old.  Thirty-seven _goddamn_ years old and he is still fixated on the same God shit that he was in high school.  Dennis always thought Mac would grow out of this nonsense at some point, but instead, it seems to have gotten worse.  At one point it was almost comical that a grown man was so deeply in denial about every aspect of his life, but as they all are approaching forty, it has just grown sad.  Mac hasn’t fucked a girl in, probably, years and Dennis and the gang openly talk about him behind his back.

How stupid he is.  How pathetically self-loathing.  

Does he know how goddamn hard it is for Dennis to listen to his endless tirades about the “homosexual agenda” or the sin of gay marriage?  How hard it is to listen to him spout off about the evils of homosexuality while sporting a boner the entire time?

He’s gotten so goddamn delusional too, with his little speeches about “dominating” other men and the so-close-up-they’re-almost-pornographic workout videos he watches “for motivation.”

Dennis doesn’t blame Mac, really.  It’s not his fault he was born poor and stupid and attracted to other men.  No, Dennis blames the fucking church. The church that brainwashes people into doing what they want, not because it’s the right thing to do, but because they are afraid of eternal punishment.  The church that takes money from people who barely have enough as is, and uses it to build golden palaces.  The church that hears about _kids_ getting _raped_ and responds by covering it up.

But most of all he’s furious about what they’ve done to Mac.  How they’ve screwed him up and turned him into this delusional, spiteful, self-loathing asshole.  Dennis might not blame him, but that doesn’t mean he can’t hate him.

Mac is probably the love of his life and Dennis hates his fucking guts.

So yeah, Dennis is furious.


	3. Small Steps

For the most part, the gang has been pretty cool since Mac’s come out of the closet, with the exception of Dennis who’s been a little strange.  But Dennis gets his moods and it might not have anything to do with Mac at all. But overall, they don’t really talk about it which is nice. As glad as Mac is that he’s finally out, he still need some time to process and come to grips with it.  He isn’t sure where to start. No one tells you what to do when you come out when you’re almost 40. There’s no rulebook or set of guidelines and Mac has never been good at dealing in uncertainty.

He bought a small rainbow flag sticker to put on his phone which feels like a good first step.  When he bought it, the cashier gave him a once-over and out of habit, he crossed his arms defensively and said that it was for a friend.  Sometimes it feels like he’s taking one step forward and two steps backwards.

He’s downloaded and deleted Grindr four separate times.  All the men seem so young and there’s so much internet slang and acronyms. It makes him feel nervous and a thousand years old.

Mac’s counselor in high school told him once, after he was suspended a third time, that the best way to succeed in life is to try and take small steps in the right direction.  Take a step too big and life will usually knock you down. The advice runs counter to how the gang has always lived. They’re always seeking and grabbing for the next best thing before it dries up like everything else.  But in this case, the advice seems to hold.

Mac doesn’t know what to do next, he doesn’t know how to start dating, he doesn’t even know how to talk to his best friend.  But he has his little rainbow sticker on his phone, he’s taking small steps, and every day he feels a little more better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title for this chapter and the line about taking small steps is loosly borrowed from the book Small Steps by Louis Sacher.


	4. 3 a.m. conversations

It’s 3 a.m. and Mac is so drunk he feels sober.

“Charlie can I ask you a question?”

“Sure, man.”

Mac takes a deep breath.  “Do I seem gay to you?”

Charlie isn’t high enough for this.  Instead of responding he pulls a small jar of rubber cement from the pocket of his coat and inhales deeply.

“I don’t know what to say man.”

“Just tell me what you think.  Do you think I’m gay?”

A thousand responses flicker through Charlie’s mind.   _ I’ve thought so since high school.  Yeah of course and everyone else thinks so too.  It’s crazy that you’re asking me this question instead of going out and plowing some dude. _

But that’s not how Mac and Charlie’s friendship works.  When you’ve known someone for as long as they’ve known each other, some things have to go unsaid.  It’s the same reason Mac doesn’t comment on the fact that Charlie flinches when you touch him unexpectedly.  Certain things have to be left well enough alone.

“Do you think you are?”   _ An easy answer. _

“No of course not dude!  I’m a bodyguard for fucks sake.  I’m way more tougher than some pussy queer!”  He flinches even as he says the words though, Charlie can’t help but notice.

“So why are you asking me then?” The gang can make fun of Charlie all they want but when it comes to noticing, nobody is better than Charlie.  He thinks it might be his best skill after rat stick swinging.

“Because everyone keeps saying shit! Dennis keeps saying shit! And what does Dennis know? He doesn’t know dick about shit!” He’s slurring his words now as he gets more worked up.

Charlie takes another deep pull on the rubber cement.

This isn’t a good idea but it’s late and he’s tired and he doesn’t have anything else to say but the truth.

“I don’t know man, but if you have to keep asking a question maybe it’s because you already know that answer…”

Charlie watches Mac’s face carefully as it transforms from shocked to enraged to finally land at defeated.

“What do I do bro?” His voice isn’t like Charlie has ever heard it.  Not when his dad went to prison, not when Dennis went away to school, not ever.

Charlie isn’t high enough for this.  All the rubber cement in the world couldn’t make him high enough for this.  Sometimes knowing someone for this long just makes things harder, he thinks.

Charlie’s not a man of many words and nor is he a man of many tricks.  He’s only really had one solution for as long as he can remember...  _ stuff it down, don’t think about it, do whatever you can to forget _ .

“I don’t know man, I think that’s something you gotta figure out for yourself. Wanna drink?”

Mac nods, his eyes not meeting Charlie’s.

He pulls a bottle of Jack Daniels from behind the counter and pours them each a glass.  _ His one trick. _ He hands one to Mac.  “Stuff it down with brown.”

They cheers glasses.   _ Stuff it down with brown. _


	5. Sex God

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: This chapter contains mentions of sexual abuse

Dennis Reynolds is a sex god.  

Like Zeus himself, occasionally gracing the world with his presence and fucking whomever he pleases.  Dennis Reynolds is a golden god, so great and so powerful, that the boundaries of normal sexuality don’t even apply to him.

He doesn’t get hung up on labels like “gay” or “bisexual” or,  _ god forbid,  _ “fluid.”  Sometimes he has sex with women and sometimes with men.  Usually women, it’s true, but sometimes they get too whiny, too needy, and he can’t stand the sight of them.  When that happens, only a man can do it for him.

Because it doesn’t  _ matter. _

Sex is something that is either done to you or you do it to somebody else.  

When Dennis was 14, Ms. Klinsky did sex to him.  And even though it was weird and scary at the time, was awesome and he learned what sex was long before any of his friends.  Sometimes Dennis does sex to women. He has a system, he neglects them emotionally. It doesn’t  _ matter,  _ they’re all playing the same game after all. And sometimes men do sex to Dennis, and it’s not great, but it’s  _ fine.   _ And that doesn’t matter either because he’s really the one in control; he’s the one with all the power...

 

Sometimes Dennis likes to imagine what he could do to Mac if he wanted to.

How he could push him up against the bar, bite his neck until he tastes blood, go down on him until he screams his name.  How easily Mac would be putty in his hands.

Sometimes he thinks about that while he lets other men take him from behind.  That’s the best part of no eye contact. The person you’re fucking might as well be anyone in the goddamn world.

But Mac isn’t like Dennis. He has his hang-ups and his Catholic guilt to contend with.  Mac doesn’t understand that sex is all one big game and if you slow down and think about it too much then you lose.  Mac will need more time before he’s ready for Dennis Reynolds the sex god. 

It’s not that Dennis wouldn’t prefer Mac right now, it’s more like he’s biding his time.  God’s don’t operate on the same timescale as mortals, after all. No, he doesn’t have to have Mac right now, but someday, when he decides the time is right, Dennis will make Mac his.


	6. It's only 7 words

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song at the beginning is could've been me by Billy Ray Cyrus. Because there is no way that both Mac and Dennis aren't secretly into him.

* * *

 

_It could’ve been me_

_Standing there with you_

_It could’ve been me_

_And my dreams coming true_

_But those dreams move on_

_If you wait too long…_

 

Mac shuts off the radio in irritation.  The song sounds like a bad omen and this is no time for bad luck.

His head is swimming with worst case scenarios and horrible possibilities.  What if he screams at him?  Or worse, what if he goes cold and Dennis-like and won’t say anything at all?

Mac takes a deep breath and forces out the words.  “Dennis, I have to tell you something.”

“What is it?”

“I need to tell you something so that one day I’m not old and, you know, like filled with regret or whatever.  Which is totally stupid I know, but I just have to say it.”

Dennis raises his eyebrows and says nothing.

Distantly he hears himself speak the words, they sound muffled like he’s underwater. 

“I think I’m in love with you.”

Blood pounds in his ears.

Dennis fixes him with a very Dennis-like stare.  Flat face, slightly quizzical eyes.

“Oh.”

“I mean,” Mac stammers, “you don’t have to, like, say anything or anything.  I’m not, like, trying to force anything to happen.”

Dennis’ expression doesn’t change.  “Okay, want to watch a movie?”

Relief washes over Mac. Dennis didn’t punch him, he didn’t yell or storm out.  Maybe things can stay normal after all.  “Of course, man, predator?”

Dennis hums in agreement and Mac goes to hunt down the disk while Dennis gets some beers from the fridge.  They watch the movie in relative silence.  Mac, out of habit more than anything, comments on Carl Weathers’ body and Dennis shushes him, though with less irritation than usual.  It’s the same rhythm but the easiness isn’t there.  Mac feels a hollow ache in his stomach.

It’s near the end of the movie when Dennis turns suddenly to face him.

“It’s not like I haven’t thought about it you know.’

“What?”

“You and me, I’ve thought about it before, like what would it be like to marry Mac?”

“Oh?” the blood is pounding in his head again; his stomach turns with anxiousness.

“I mean obviously it would be great, but would it work, or would it just make things weird.  That’s the question.”  Dennis’ eyes are unreadable.

Mac feels a thousand miles away, “I think it might work…”

“And then if things don’t work out, it’s like not only a break-up but losing my best friend too.”

His face feels hot.  “I mean that’s true, man, it’s probably better to just not change things.”

Dennis turns back to watch the movie, “Ok”

Mac feels strangely like crying.

“Mac?”

“Yeah.”

“Let’s just think about it, okay?”

“Okay.”

 

They watch the rest of the movie in silence.  Mac feeling more hopeful than he ever has in his life.  Even if nothing changes, at least he was honest and at least he tried.  He’ll never look back and wish he had said something.


End file.
